Two men got on the subway after work one day. They looked at each other and noticed they both had black eyes. One man looked at the other and said, "Hey man, how did you get your shiner?"

The other man responded, "Well, it was a misunderstanding. This morning I was riding the subway and there was a lady sitting beside me with these crazy looking boots on. I was going to say, 'Nice boots'. But instead I accidently said 'Nice boobs'. So she slugged me."

"Gotcha," the other man replied. "That's sorta the same way I got mine."

"Really? What happened?"

"Well. This morning I was eating breakfast with my wife and kids. I looked up from my paper to ask my wife if she could pass the OJ. But instead I accidently said, 'You ruined my life you fat bitch'."

A horse walks into a bar.......the bartender says, "why the long face?"

This baby seal walks into a club......

Two atoms bumb into each other.
"Are you okay?"
"I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."

A pirate walks into a bar, and strolls up to the bar for a drink.
The bartender looks at him and says 'Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate looks at him and says "Arrrrrrrr, it's drivin me nuts!"

a man walks into psyciatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

the psyciatrist says: "I can clealy see your nuts"

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman